necrowmantic | [IC Inbox

Hurt? Me? Wow, Yuzuru, you really don't know me that well at all!

[Can you hear the insincere laughter Otonashi? Maximum helpfulness in play.]

But it's okay, I figured out the problem anyway!

[ He feels he has no choice but to grit his teeth and continue as though Henry had not interjected with that. ]

I hurt you, "offended" if you like that word better - scared you enough to make you think I'd do something to take something important away from you. [ A pause, then he adds: ] You really don't know me all that well if you believe that I'd do something to make your life any less whole than it is. People before me hurt you. I'm not out to be another one.

So tell me what you think you figured out.

I thought I knew you but

[He has it written before even thinking about it, then pauses, almost frowning. It was too late for it not to show up, so he just ignores it and presses on without trying to complete the thought.

Like Otonashi, he reads over the message, then chooses to ignore most of it.]

Anyway, I get why you got all controlling and stuff. You were just jealous. I mean, no one wants to give you their eye.

[ Not choosing video was a good choice. It spares Henry the injured expression and the following look of disbelief. It's almost funny to hear, but leaves a bitter taste. ]

I'm not - jealous of something like that, I'm not - I'm not into that. Never have been. You know blood and exposing someone's guts is a turnoff for me, right? That intentionally mutilating someone goes against everything I wanted to live for? I know you probably don't know the whole "do no harm" thing, but I - really, that's what you thought?

[ That assumption hurts too, but he keeps that to himself. ]

If I wanted to control it or interfere, I wouldn't have talked to you about what you could do for dates, or what might make him happy... Do you honestly believe I would be jealous of something you two have together?

Yeah, pretty much.

[Not really. Or at least, Henry wasn't entirely sold on the idea, but it was a more sympathetic explanation than any of the alternatives he could come up with.

Otonashi's response points more towards those alternatives though, which has him consider dropping the conversation, but he sighs and presses onward instead.]

So you look down on us that much, huh? [Which felt more uncomfortable than he expected. A person he didn't know, or didn't know well- they could think anything they wanted, it wouldn't register at all. But Otonashi mattered to him, which had the surprising side-effect of caring about what he thought.] Well... do as you want, but it's a waste of time, you know? You can't take away everything we've given each other even if you're sure it's for our own good.

No, I don't. I didn't say I thought you were less because of - no. Just... hear me out. Please.

[ When he spoke to Akashi, the other redhead understood his intent immediately. It's jarring to have this to wade through, and it forces him to wonder if he had ever had that conversation with Akashi at all. ]

When I said "pair," I meant pair of organs. I meant it's objectively better to have two eyes, two kidneys, two lungs, two whatever we're talking about, and unless there's an emergency I prefer not to take pieces of - well, the pair, but anything! And I was - I was scared, Henry. I was nervous.

I'm not a doctor, I've never had to... do something so involved since those plants. Then that happened, and suddenly I get a call from Kuroko because he thinks Akashi is dead in their home. Within an hour I tried and failed to resuscitate him, started cutting him open and tearing out flowers and root systems thinking, damnit, maybe if I freed him I could do some good! He's bleeding out all over me, Kuroko's near tears and begs me to keep trying to save him, s-so - so I start jabbing myself for several blood transfers to him, thinking maybe, maybe if I can clean him out, maybe there's still a chance I salvage this—

[ He switches between past to present tenses as he confesses the nature of his fears and hesitation, unable to stop himself from re-experiencing the moment despite his best efforts avoid it. ]

But nothing I did mattered. He was essentially dead when I got there. I shot him to make sure he wouldn't be in any pain. Then I find you, and all over again I knew I'm so completely helpless that I just... put what's left of you out of your misery too. I don't know if it hurt me less to do it quickly, or more because I didn't even bother trying to find another alternative. So much for "do no harm," I wasn't any better...

You wanted me to perform a delicate surgery, but - what was I going to tell Akashi, or you, if I failed again? How shitty was I going to feel if I made a mistake, or hurt you guys again so soon because I wasn't good enough? Knowing people I care about were hurt and being unable to do anything - I didn't want that again.

[That... was not at all what Henry expected as a response, and he has to read it over a few times before he can even begin to think of a response. It's the better part of an hour before he can manage anything at all.]

Ah

[This was suddenly awkward. And- disorienting, experiencing several emotions at the same time. The sense of being betrayed was hard to let go of entirely, but it mingled with general guilt, and something he didn't recognize at all. Irritation?]

I was wondering who'd put me down after I died, I thought I'd gotten off without anyone noticing.... But I guess it was you, huh? Sorry about that. If I'd known corpses would go wandering, I would've burned us up before the flowers finished me off. So, er. Thanks.

[It hadn't been the nicest death he'd ever had, and he'd recently been introduced to the concept that yes, dying can affect those outside of yourself. So Henry could understand a little of why it would hurt to come across. What an uneasy feeling.]

--But it should've been clear that there was no saving either of us, Yuzuru. I was there when- well, when I died, obviously- but Seijuurou was with me. I didn't quite make it to his end but it was... I've seen a lot of dying folks before, I know what it looks like. It's kind of stupid to have hope in a situation like that.

[Though he doesn't mean it in an insulting way, just in a rather- blunt one.]

But unless your way of doing eye surgery involves stabbing me through the head, isn't that a liiiittle overboard to compare it to life and death? Sure, if you'd damaged the eye I would've been very very sad, but it's not like I don't have the rest of Seijuurou anyway.

As long as you didn't ruin it on purpose, it would've been okay. But I see now that I should've have asked you in the first place.

[ As much as he doesn't want to give up, he's close to losing hope as the hour drags on. Still, he waits, kicking at the dirt, mending his shirt, trying all sorts of idle tasks until a message finally comes in and frees him. ]

Stupid or not, I've never been good at letting go. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't give it a shot... Especially under pressure like that.

[ Especially when someone as innocent as Kuroko is pleading with him through choked whispers and watery eyes to try to find a solution. Otonashi doesn't have the heart to ignore it. ]

It doesn't involve that, no, but... it's not easy to have confidence in my abilities after such a terrible failure. But I knew you'd have that cheery belief in me, and I didn't know - I didn't know what to do with it right then, knowing what I knew. All I really knew was that I wished you were asking me to make a nice cup of hot chocolate for you guys, something easy and with less fine nerve-endings involved. [ Any kind of transplant sounds like such a daunting task, but he ends with a soft sigh. ] But I wanted you to feel like you could come to me for anything.

I'm sorry. I know it hasn't been easy, but you're my friend. Or I'd like you to be.

That's like feeling bad because you can't change the weather. It's only a failure 'cause you tried something futile. It doesn't say anything about your abilities! I bet you're a great doctor.

Apart from recognizing when people are already goners. You weren't doing Tetsuya any favors stringing him along like that. I mean wow, you really let him watch you stick your blood into Seijuurou's corpse?? You're mad at me for taking a freely-given eye, but you just mauled him up yourself in front of some sobbing onlooker.

[It's some kind of mixed signals. 'Don't blame yourself' along with 'but really that was pointless.'

He's not sure at all what to make of the reiteration of friendship. So he bypasses it entirely; it was a lot easier to focus on Otonashi's issues instead.]

I - I told him not to look. I told him to leave too, but I knew he wouldn't right away. I can't take it back now... if I could change the past, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be what I am.

[ Of course that's what strikes him the most, digging up that old guilt. Others have said that they didn't care what he tried to do to help, that they were only unhappy because he himself had died too—so they claim.

So he wonders, but tries not to think about. His hesitation to reply again might be telling. ]

I wasn't mad, alright? Worried, yeah, but mostly I didn't understand why you were reacting the way you did. I think I get it now. I've... done the same kind of thing before, when I thought someone was going to look down on Kise. I got emotional, lashed out and didn't listen until we both calmed down. I didn't want to have something I said be the reason someone else - another friend of mine - thought badly of him. So... maybe it's the same idea. You were just trying to protect what you love and believe in.

Edited 2015-08-05 15:00 (UTC)

...For not having that many memories to go on, you sure do dwell in the past. But if you changed the past so you wouldn't be here, that wouldn't be good either. So... I'm not good at saying these things, but I think you're fine like you are.

[This was all alarmingly sentimental. He quickly moves on, not sure how else to put it.]

But uh, actually- I used to think you looked down on Ryouta too? It was one of the first times we spoke, you said he wouldn't be worth as much if his face got all scarred up.

I figured I'd must've gotten it wrong, because geez, what a jerk thing to say- but this time you said Seijuurou was less of a person now that his eye was gone, and I thought I'd been right all along! I'm still not sure I'm not, but... Yuzuru, why does it matter what someone looks like? If they're missing one eye or a dozen, if they're lame or covered in cool sores, I mean... I GUESS you mean well, but I think you're wrong about this.

That's what most do when they die, yeah. I don't regret everything about what happened - Kuroko learned how to take plant matter out of others. Saved Kise. There's good in the bad.

[ That's the philosophy he generally tries to hold, though it isn't always an easy one to assert or even believe himself in the worst of times. And because he sees Henry's discomfort with lingering too long on the deeper aspects of whether Otonashi should exist or be here, he keeps it simple and focuses on the recent issue rather than the whole.

Soon, though, he has to pull back in alarm. His next raw reply isn't delayed, but the heart of the matter has to wait for him to finish crying out in disbelief, turning off the feed, thinking of a response, then finally coming back to it for a real reply. ]

That's not - no! That's not what I believe! I would never say that and mean it. What did I say, something like "oh no, can't have his face getting scratched, what kind of model would he be then?!" That's just ... me being sarcastic, sassy, whatever you want to call it. Does nobody joke with you? It was a jab at his vanity, I... I did stuff like that with someone back home, too. It's - it's teasing. Some say it's practically flirting.

[ To think Henry thought Otonashi actually believed Kise's - or Akashi's - value was in their perfection only makes him sink. As far as he's concerned, enough people in their lives held that philosophy. Their unhealthy ideas about competition must have largely stemmed from that very idea.

He doesn't believe in that sort of thinking. ]

Akashi isn't less of a person because he's missing an eye, or because he's got any kind of scarring. I mean that I don't like him - anyone - getting hurt and two eyes make his vision objectively better than one. If he lost a leg, he'd have to adjust and I'd regret that he has to go through that, but he'd wouldn't be less of a person either way. I'd even be the one to amputate it if it was necessary, but I wouldn't do it for pleasure. You get it, right..?

Oh. Ohh. [He actually says it out loud, then, after a moment, transcribes it. But Otonashi's vehemence- clear even in the written down version he'd received- was clear, stated plainly enough that Henry felt the first edges of relief. That he had interpreted Otonashi's words and reactions wrong.

Even if he's not entirely feeling it yet (or rather, his feelings hadn't zero'd back out to 'nothing'), it was easier to try and go back to his usual tone.]

You're right that no one really jokes with me, or maybe they do and I don't notice? [He didn't exactly have the best role models. Between Otonashi and Akashi, his ideas about comedy had probably gotten worse.] Well... that's okay then! I'm glad you're not a completely shallow jerk conspiring to tear apart healthy relationships. You should probably tell me if you're teasing if you say something mean about them again, though. And if you ever have to amputate something 'cause I want to help!

I'm still not gonna regret hurting him, though. If he wanted to give me another eye or a leg or anything else, I'd take that too.

Because- Yuzuru, do you know why my place was super bloody when you showed up that time?

I should've suspected something was up when I'd say something sarcastic and you'd enthusiastically agree...

[ Like when Otonashi says "ah yes, that's perfect, I'd love to be cleaning up guts this morning" and Henry chimes in happily about it. Really. Sarcasm must be like a foreign language. ]

No, I'm not conspiring to tear apart any relationships. Yours is - unorthodox, not abusive. [ It's kind of weird to say, but he's learned by now he just has to accept their bloody show of affection for what it is. ]

I'll call you if I have to perform any amputations, sure, deal. Kinda always planned to let you oversee anything small I had to do, or anything on myself... You just can't get in the way of the knife. And don't scare whoever I'm working on or tell them anything weird, like "come visit your amputated leg at my house, I'll curse it fresh!" [ There it is. There's that normal, overdramatic scolding he's used to. ]

I - I really don't know if I should ask, but okay. Why was your house so bloody when I showed up?

[Ah, there it is indeed. It's reassuringly normal after everything, and Henry finds he'd kind of missed it. And it's more of a relief than he expected to hear Otonashi give his apparent blessing to the relationship.]

Can do! I'm not bad with a knife myself, maybe we can teach each other new techniques!

[Surely he had relevant experience. Surely.

Henry's tone changes a bit in the next, but if it was spoken, it'd still be delivered in his usual cheerful tone.]

But anyway, I sort of died. Again. Didn't have a choice this time, so I guess it's more 'I was murdered and it got really really messy', but that's not actually the point.

It kind of didn't feel too great, since I'd just promised to Seijuurou that I wouldn't die anymore, that we'd stay alive together and I already blew it. And I'm not sure why, but not dying with him this time was sort of....

['Sad', is the feeling he's looking for, but Henry has a hard time even finding that simple of a word for it, so he moves on.]

But when I revived, Seijuurou was there waiting for me in that bloody room. I dunno how long he was there with my corpse, but... he was the first thing I woke up to and that's a very very important memory to me.

--And then he gave me his EYE. To me, this total loser who'd just broken a promise and died. Just because he'd promised it to me before, in return for my broken one, even though his own vision had already gotten better. That's the kind of person he is.

Uh, long story short, it's a special eye to me and it kind of hurt when you were that horrified at seeing it and told me not to do it again?

Edited 2015-08-06 00:05 (UTC)

You're more of an... uh, extractions expert than a "putting it back together correctly," I think.

[ Not that there isn't value in removing pieces if they need to be out.

It doesn't take him terribly long to read Henry's message the first time, but processing all of takes another two read throughs. ]

It... probably wasn't fun to die with him when you hadn't planned for it, and before you knew if it'd be forever. You didn't know what was happening, and someone you love was suffering too. I would have felt awful until the end. Sad... Guilty.

[ Otonashi can at least put words and sentiments to what he thinks Henry's trying to describe. It speaks to the kinds of stories he knows very well. ]

Listen, I... I get the sentiment, even if I don't like the pain aspect of it. If that was his wish and you appreciate the gesture, then that's what matters. That's what we have by the end... Important memories of the lives we lead. This is yours. You're making the best of it.

And you're not a loser, Henry.

[The sentiment and words feel more awkward than anything, and he's already had to think a lot more about emotional things than he ever wants to, so he backs off from the topic as soon as he can.]

Yeah, I guess it's all something like that.

But anyway, that's about it, isn't it? Wow, I'm sure glad that's cleared up, I was thinking of hexing your voice away so I wouldn't ever have to hear it out of you again. Sure glad I didn't get around to it!

Uh... y-yeah, good thing...

[ Text, voice, whatever the medium: the awkward laughter is clear in its implication. ] Please don't do that, okay? I'm kinda still using it. There's just one last thing...

Yeah, but I wasn't sure if you deserved to keep having such a cool voice!

But what's up? Any amputations you've got scheduled?

I... uh, don't know if I should be flattered or scared. I really don't. Maybe I'll just go with "thanks for letting me keep it..."

[ Better not linger too long on that. ]

Sorry, no amputations on schedule. Just a splinter I got this morning, but that shouldn't require amputating anything. What I was going to ask you about was, uh... brain related.

Good thing you noticed it though, I've had wounds go all slimy and gross 'cause of missed splinters!

[Exactly what Otonashi wanted to hear about; isn't he relieved they're talking again.]

I can do brain stuff too. Need me to stuff ya full of new memories or something?

[ Oh good. The glamour of wanting to be in medicine: the weird stories. ]

Yeah, I... can see how that could happen. Sorry about your - festering... wounds. Let me know if you get more.

[ Because he knows it'll happen, it's only a matter of when. ]

No! No - thaaaat won't be necessary, thanks. I'd settle for getting back the boring old ones that got stuck. I dunno, maybe we can come up with a cool one if you want to be creative - as long as it's small.

If you're sure! It's about time I got around to messing with that head of yours.

I'll make sure you had a really cool life! An exciting past awaits!

Thanks, but... I can't accept nothing but false memories. I had a life, even if it wasn't cool or exciting.

If I purposely try to erase that and replace it with something else, then I'd be remembering a life for someone who doesn't exist. It wouldn't be mine anymore. So... Can you try to make sure you just show me the real thing before I consider anything else?

I guess so, but... I COULD make it so you don't know any better. Erase this whole conversation so you remember nothing but me definitely promising nothing but the truth.

Then you'd be satisfied AND remember a good life, how's that?

[IC Inbox - Carvaka]

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sorry I have a big "pours his heart out" here...

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